Dancing on Ice: Jocky-ing for position

Jocky's support finally dwindled this week and pitched both them and Keilga into the Save Me Skate Off. It leaves no weak performers now, so there'll be a shake up next week.

You know when your time is up when you're given one of the twee-est songs ever written, Tiptoe Through The Tulips. Hardly what you'd call amorous, is it? Doing his best wasn't good enough on this occasion and Joe and Vicky bid us farewell. Sadly, it was Keilga in the bottom two again, after a delightful skate to the best song of the night, All About You, perfect for his smooth style. He's happy, he's good and it's a shame he hasn't got the support.

Bethan with a brave and tricky skate, following a banged bonce during the week, is showing why she's the one to beat, as the interpretation improves again. Heading the right way too is Luenna, more speed, more rhythm but oh, God: The soppy hand clappy crapness pat-a-cake makes an appearance *shivers* so I was cringing at the start. Funniest moment of the night was Jason alluding to the presage lift, while everyone else went "?" and assumed we must have blinked, or something.

On to Sylvia. Samia doesn't choreograph the routine, does she? So why give her the grief for being in Sylvain's arms all the time? If the judges want to see more skating, they need to talk to T&D. What Samia does do, is deliver an elegant and controlled performance in a beautifully put together routine. And that's appealing to the viewers. Mattiane has the opposite problem - confident all over the ice alone, but I'm not sensing much partnership. Impressive moves, low key performance. I actually thought he shrugged and looked a bit dejected at one point.

Quality Control. Normally you associate that with a factory or some such, but Garbin's skate had it in abundance. Understated and now showing the refinement to complement his power. Deservedly at the top of the board tonight (except for Bethan being undermarked, obviously).

The Ice Panel's Board:
Garbin 30; Bethan 29.5; Mattiane 28.5; Luenna 24; Sylvia 22; Keilga 22; Jocky 18.5.

So, the big issue of the week for DOI was, of course: Did Christine come by way of Rivendell? I'm joshing, of course, she probably could've picked up a tree-dress anywhere. No, really - why is DOI losing viewers?

Is it because, when you miss an episode, watching on ITV player is the single most frustrating, painful and irritating pastime in the world, ever? Because you cannot fast forward the adverts? You can fast forward but the adverts still play - you just miss the actual show bit *sighs*. So instead of you catching up and being happy, you catch up and punch the computer.

Is it the fact that the show only talks about the celebrity, never the partnership? "I'm saving Keith". Well, he's nothing without Olga, shouldn't you save her too?

I suspect it's deeper than that. I believe it goes back two series ago, and the treatment of Sharron Davies. The show lost its warm, fuzzy feeling. I actually tweeted that to Phil and he assured me, it would be back. Erm, nope. The trouble is, there's a sense of 'them' and 'us'. Sharron appeared to be isolated. On Strictly, no matter what a judge says, everyone is on the side of the contestants. Tess, Bruce, everyone (including the other judges) yet even Holly and Phil seemed to gang up on Sharron. Torvill and Dean, two of my Olympic heroes, came across a bit Prima Donna-rish. Whatever you do, do not argue with the choreography, just shut up and put up, seemed to be the message. They call them skating royalty and the impression I get is, you'd have to make an appointment for an audience with them to say how you feel.

The constant trying to stir up headlines/controversy of showmances, injuries and the hate between Karen and Jason, is quite frankly, tiresome. I used to watch DOI to wind down from Strictly, it was fun and friendly but I'm finding it hard to care right now. The judges sit there, po-faced and serious, like it's all so dreadfully important. It's a Sunday evening, family entertainment show, people - it's not life or death. And Strictly gets that. Watch the camaraderie between everyone involved in the show, behind the scenes and out front: Bruno falling off his chair, Bruce's bad jokes . Yes, everyone's working hard and taking the training seriously, but they don't lose sight of the fact that they're being paid to entertain and make life just a little bit more fun for the rest of us. That's what DOI needs to do if it's going to stop the slide.

 I could be wrong. What do you think?

Dancing on Ice: What a Shayma!

Shane and Maria were voted off last night, after a skate off against Mattianne that, on paper, was a no-brainer - until Matt tripped up!

In the true spirit of previous competitions, Jason voted to save Shane, who didn't make a mistake, while the other three went with the still-technically-superior-in-spite-of-the-fall Matt.

A confident solo opening for Shayma was enough to leave him equal 4th on the scoreboard and out of danger, you'd have thought. But we know that's never the case. I thought the lift looked a bit nervy and I'm not so keen on the whole trying to seduce the camera act, it's a bit too tentative on ice! Mattiane delivered something different which was clearly unappreciated by his fans. A brave choice which could've been performed with a little more artistic finesse and less aggressively, but for attitude, power and balls, he didn't deserve to be in the bottom two. It just cemented my feeling that ITV reality show viewers just aren't as cultured as the BBC's ... controversial?

Keilga showed good characterization in their Tango routine, as did Garbin with a gentle swayer, showing a new side to him, which was an ongoing theme, as both Luenna and Bethan both finally delivered on the performance front. Luke's wasn't earth shattering but was smooth and credible, while performance of the night was Beth, nailing a tender, touching routine with beauty and poise. Wonderful.

In a complete turn around from last week, Sylvia found themselves sharing the bottom rung with Jocky, following a lacklustre solo which was just nice but whose overall routine surely deserved more than Joe's, who, though fun (for some) he may be, was so unsteady it seems a little unfair he could compare, score wise. Both of them leapfrogging Matt must have left T&D feeling rather nervous; they'll have to be even more creative with the challenges, since The Leveller didn't turn out how they thought At All. It means even Bethan will be at risk if not topping the table.

Still, that's all part of the fun, isn't it? Till next time ..

Week 5 Ice Panel's scoreboard: Bethan 30.5; Mattiane 28; Garbin 27.5; Shayma 23.5; Luenna 23.5; Keilga 21; Sylvia 18; Jocky 18.

Dancing on Ice: Go Away Little Girl

That was the judges' response to Anthea Turner's second time Save Me Skate Off, only, they weren't as cruel as that - I just had to find a Donny Osmond song to fit.

I really enjoyed reliving my primary school days to Andrea's Puppy Love cheesy yet fun routine. And I too used to practise writing 'Jaye Osmond' across my text books. Donny's birthday is 9th December - incidentally, I didn't have to Google that.

Keilga was my favourite of the night again, so quite sad to see him in the bottom two *note to self, start voting next week* We saw another side to Keith and his skating is so smooth. It was surreal and not too disturbing, seeing him dancing to Disturbia! Sylvia also impressed for the second week running, proper Spicey attitude with skating skills on show in a neat routine. Even the head banger didn't make me clench my bum. She's growing on me.

Shayma and Luenna both improved on previous weeks, although Luke could really use a bit of Shane's music listening skills - that was the main difference between them: Luke's total lack of rhythm and dancing skills!

Powerhouses Garbin and Mattianne produced strong skating although Gareth isn't as fluid as Matt, and I'm still not taking to Matt, notwithstanding his excellent dancing skills and terrific energy. To be fair, it's not his choreography - Jason is on his way to be being chucked out again, daring to criticise Jayne and Chris. Who, strangely, seem to bat it back at Matt and say it is his choice?!

I'll forgive Beth(an) her fixed grin because that routine was mental. So packed with awesome stuff, how on earth is she ever going to relax and enjoy it? Jason had a point, give her less so we can see her personality. Jocky were very sweet but you can put down the fire buckets, the ice is safe.

Ice Panel's Scoreboard: Mattianne 25.5; Sylvia 23.5; Garbin 23; Bethan 23; Keilga 21.5; Shayma 20; Luenna 20; Andrea: 18.5; Jocky 16.

Philip tells us it's 'The Leveller' next week: "New and tough" he reckons. We shall see.

Showtime: Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake

Dancing on Ice: Ice Skating Injury Shocker!

I know, can you believe it - ice skating can cause injuries! Honestly ...

You had to feel a bit sorry for Oona King last night - had she been up against anyone but Gareth in that Save Me Skate Off, she'd be back again next week. She was lost when it came to the duel against Beth, who was far more expressive this week. I found Oona completely natural - I loved the exchange with Philip: "I never skate as well here as I do somewhere else?" "Where are you skating really well?" "In my dreams!" All the best to partner Mark and wife Kathy for the birth of their baby, any time soon - if his dislocated shoulder didn't set her off last night! They had the best song of the night too, in the Skate Off - Just The Two Of us, with a very nice lyrical piece of skating, showcasing Oona's natural rhythm. Lovely arms.

Bethan had all the tricks and as, like all the duels, it was a unanimous decision. I found myself in agreement with the judges across all the duels - and you can shout at Jason, but (scarily) I agreed with all his comments regarding Luke and Shane - they, like Beth, need to bring some personality to the ice and the-not-being-nice it's-a-duel shouldn't have been interpreted as not smiling or showing any emotion. Passion is what we want to see.

Mattiane versus Garbin brought forth the Brokeback Mountain On Ice quip, Gareth getting in before anyone else could. Matt had the fluidity and musicality, Gareth the raw power but the overall performance belonged to Matt, and the judges duly put him through.

Sylvia versus Luenna and my, what a surprise - Samia much more dynamic than Luke, which made all the difference, as their basic skating is evenly matched. Whereas before I thought her a bit 'meh', this performance I really enjoyed. The judges thought so too and she was safely through.

Shayma versus Andrea was a similar story, with Anthea much more expressive and showing a lot more attack than Shane - that will always be the difference when technically well matched.

Finally, Jocky versus Keilga. A real double act developing but on the ice, it was Keith all the way. He may be laughing during the whole performance (big tick in the box) but his basic skating is looking strong, very together and confident. Joe, bless, is still struggling a bit. Other best song of the night, Soul Man, ensuring there was no just cheesy camping it up.

Looks like we're in for a normal week next week. Till then, relive the performances again on the Dancing on Ice website.

Dancing on Ice: The Only Way Is Exit

Lauren Goodger came, flitted about a bit and was eliminated in the Save Me Skate Off against Anthea Turner.

Skating to Girl on Fire, Lauren was anything but, settling for a gentle stroll around the ice which wasn't bad but failed to wow due to nerves. Her skate off was much the same, lacking any fight - she knew she was gone because Anthea was so focused. A 'thank you' to Michael though, would have been nice, Lauren. Andrea's first performance had the judges all in complete agreement, with good attitude in an elegant routine to Skyfall. Her Save Me Skate to Loving You confirmed she has some talent and a connection with Andy making the performance believable. I'll even forgive her for stealing Peter Powell away from me, all those years ago.

In a pretty underwhelming show, Joe and Vicky (Jocky) had to play up to the comic image with an "entertaining" routine - reality show speak for "A bit rubbish technically so let's focus on their personality and camp it up". But they're both local (to me) so good luck to them.

Garbin were the surprise, great solo skating, a frog lift, steady, plenty of tricks and presentation not all bad. Ooma also impressed, a funky Lord! A bit more attack and she's looking strong. Luke's a very earnest young man, isn't he? Luenna made a solid start; he just needs more fluidity. Quote of the night to him with :"It's the first time I've performed without getting punched in the face, so I'm happy!"

The Duel is back for next week, they're culling them cruelly and quickly and no-one is safe.

Catch up with the performances at the Dancing on Ice website until then.

Dancing on Ice: Will the real Jason Gardiner please stand up?

He's as smug as Jason. He's as smarmy and supercilious as Jason. But goodness - constructive criticism, all the way through the show? And consistent marking, leaving somewhere for the contestants to go.  It's clearly an imposter doing a very bad impression. Who are you and what did you do with Jason Gardiner?

It looks like it'll be the producers who are the baddies this year. Tortuously wringing out Samia and Sylvain's "relationship" and the "bust-up" between Karen and Jason. And talking of "bust up", yes, we do know that Pamela Anderson has big tits. Can we just get on with the show now? Move on from the "controversial" stuff, cos, only, in the grand scheme of life, it really isn't ... you do know it's where the X-Factor went wrong don't you, ITV? And why Strictly is smashing you out of sight?

McLeans have been replaced by Continental tyres, so we're going to get some kind of mini road worthy Starlight Express every break; Jayne appears to have grown a bit since last series. Ah, no, hang on - she's just had her hair cut.

Said Pamela was, sadly, the loser in tonight's 'Save Me Skate Off'.  Up against Keith Chegwin, nerves kicked in big time and stumbles cost her.  Funnily enough, it was the performances of those two I enjoyed most. From training and on the night, both were clearly loving skating and having a good time. Keith and Olga (Keilga) had a lot of fun and, so long as he doesn't get arrested by the Saville police any time soon, I'm going to enjoy watching him. Pamela and Matt (Mattela) - with Emeli Sande making yet another appearance - showed some nice lines, were very elegant and overall, rather lovely. And she seems very sweet and humble. The fan-votes of the juggernauts (Eastenders/Corrie/ XFactor and the Olympics) just too much to overturn though. After all their efforts, why can't they have two weeks to make an impact? Matt's "Shut the f ....ront door" quote will probably get the longest run of the series.

Fragile on the ice yet confident in the lifts, Samia and Sylvain (Sylvia) put in a good performance, as did Beth and Dan (Bethan) strong technically, especially with the Tweddle Tip. You can see the difference when someone extends and finishes their lines - and when someone is terrified. Her training discipline kicked in though but she does need an acting coach to add flair and personality to the performance.

A little uncertain but with potential, Shayne and Maria (Shayma) did well and have that all important likeability factor. Matt and Brianne (Mattiane) did better technically but ...I'll admit to completely losing interest (I was eating a yummy chicken and crispy potato dinner) as I found it far too manic and stop/start and he just didn't engage me. Shayne = likeable; Matt = not. He was off time at the beginning too.

The Ice Panel's Board:
Mattiane 24; Bethan 21; Mattela 18.5; Sylvia 17.5; Shayma 16; Keilga 15.5

Ashley Roberts, ex Pussycat Doll and Jungle Princess, made a steady and honest start. Although everybody was "amazing", her marks were consistent - halfway between Jason and Karen -  and her critiques were useful and constructive.

Looking ahead to next week, we have the remaining six lined up:

Oona King (or, as my eldest misheard: "Ona Ring - that's a Bond name surely?" partnered with Mark Hanretty (Ooma)

Anthea Turner and Andrew Buchanan (Andrea)

Luke Campbell and Jenna Smith (Luenna)

Gareth Thomas and Robin Johnstone (Garbin)

Joe Pasquale and Vicky Ogden (Jocky)

Lauren Goodger and Michael Zenezini (Laurael) You see, now I'm predisposed to really despise her, because of that whole TOWIE/crap reality show connection. But I won't, I shall give her an equal chance, even though the VT of her crying and doing the whole "I can't do it" thing has already hacked me off.

Keep up with all the news and gossip on the ITV website here. Till next week ...