He's as smug as Jason. He's as smarmy and supercilious as Jason. But goodness - constructive criticism, all the way through the show? And consistent marking, leaving somewhere for the contestants to go. It's clearly an imposter doing a very bad impression. Who are you and what did you do with Jason Gardiner?
It looks like it'll be the producers who are the baddies this year. Tortuously wringing out Samia and Sylvain's "relationship" and the "bust-up" between Karen and Jason. And talking of "bust up", yes, we do know that Pamela Anderson has big tits. Can we just get on with the show now? Move on from the "controversial" stuff, cos, only, in the grand scheme of life, it really isn't ... you do know it's where the X-Factor went wrong don't you, ITV? And why Strictly is smashing you out of sight?
McLeans have been replaced by Continental tyres, so we're going to get some kind of mini road worthy Starlight Express every break; Jayne appears to have grown a bit since last series. Ah, no, hang on - she's just had her hair cut.
Said Pamela was, sadly, the loser in tonight's 'Save Me Skate Off'. Up against Keith Chegwin, nerves kicked in big time and stumbles cost her. Funnily enough, it was the performances of those two I enjoyed most. From training and on the night, both were clearly loving skating and having a good time. Keith and Olga (Keilga) had a lot of fun and, so long as he doesn't get arrested by the Saville police any time soon, I'm going to enjoy watching him. Pamela and Matt (Mattela) - with Emeli Sande making yet another appearance - showed some nice lines, were very elegant and overall, rather lovely. And she seems very sweet and humble. The fan-votes of the juggernauts (Eastenders/Corrie/ XFactor and the Olympics) just too much to overturn though. After all their efforts, why can't they have two weeks to make an impact? Matt's "Shut the f ....ront door" quote will probably get the longest run of the series.
Fragile on the ice yet confident in the lifts, Samia and Sylvain (Sylvia) put in a good performance, as did Beth and Dan (Bethan) strong technically, especially with the Tweddle Tip. You can see the difference when someone extends and finishes their lines - and when someone is terrified. Her training discipline kicked in though but she does need an acting coach to add flair and personality to the performance.
A little uncertain but with potential, Shayne and Maria (Shayma) did well and have that all important likeability factor. Matt and Brianne (Mattiane) did better technically but ...I'll admit to completely losing interest (I was eating a yummy chicken and crispy potato dinner) as I found it far too manic and stop/start and he just didn't engage me. Shayne = likeable; Matt = not. He was off time at the beginning too.
The Ice Panel's Board:
Mattiane 24; Bethan 21; Mattela 18.5; Sylvia 17.5; Shayma 16; Keilga 15.5
Ashley Roberts, ex Pussycat Doll and Jungle Princess, made a steady and honest start. Although everybody was "amazing", her marks were consistent - halfway between Jason and Karen - and her critiques were useful and constructive.
Looking ahead to next week, we have the remaining six lined up:
Oona King (or, as my eldest misheard: "Ona Ring - that's a Bond name surely?" partnered with Mark Hanretty (Ooma)
Anthea Turner and Andrew Buchanan (Andrea)
Luke Campbell and Jenna Smith (Luenna)
Gareth Thomas and Robin Johnstone (Garbin)
Joe Pasquale and Vicky Ogden (Jocky)
Lauren Goodger and Michael Zenezini (Laurael) You see, now I'm predisposed to really despise her, because of that whole TOWIE/crap reality show connection. But I won't, I shall give her an equal chance, even though the VT of her crying and doing the whole "I can't do it" thing has already hacked me off.
Keep up with all the news and gossip on the ITV website here. Till next week ...