Sue and Will join forces against the new football coach, who I think is the old coach in drag. But I could be wrong. Rachel is very naughty and sends a rival to a crack house instead of a New Directions audition; Arnie tries for the football team, which gets Finn thrown off it - so he auditions for Cheerios.
As Sue Says It: "You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together" - To Quinn, trying out for Cheerios.
On Santana's "insult to nature" summer boob job: "You're bottom of the pyramid, so if it fails your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury".
Tonight's big numbers: Alicia/JayZ's Empire State of Mind - Telephone - Billionaire - Listen - What I Did For Love.